The Photo….

Oh Hi there! how was everyone’s Easter? Im not sure if you noticed but I took complete advantage of the public holidays and took a little blog break… It was the bomb digity.

As a result my Wearing post photos are not quite ready yet so I decided to swap for Friday’s post. I’ve got a new Rockmans outfit to show you all so make sure you come back for that!

Now, back to business, here is Fridays post about my current weightloss and how far I’ve come.

Even as I’m writing this I’m still not sure if I am going to press ‘publish’. But life has taught me that sometimes the things you resist doing are probably exactly what you need to do…. So here goes.

A woman’s weight is a sensitive thing and if you are anything like me, you hate it even being mentioned.

Even if someone tells me I look great and should be proud of how much weight I’ve lost, a small (very small) part of me wants to go all psycho bitch on their arse and stab them in the face.

Who the fuck do you think you are even mentioning my weight? In case you are wondering, yes- I have always been an extremely rational girl who never loses her cool.

This actually happened to me this week, someone who I didn’t know very well commented on how I have lost so much weight and my reaction erred more on the psycho bitch side when a simple ‘Oh thanks’ probably would have sufficed.

For some bizarre reason I don’t hear the compliment, all I hear is you used to be a fucking fatty, thank god you’re different now. Fatty.

See? Completely rational.

I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not done yet. I still have some kilos I want to shift. How stupid is that? Why can’t I be proud of how far I’ve come? Its time to reflect and appreciate the little things, hence why im sharing this with you all.

Growing up I was a reasonably slim gal, then I hit 18 and bam, I had a shift in my body and it’s been a battle ever since.

I can’t even remember a time when I haven’t uttered the words I want to lose weight.

Regardless of my size I have always still had a sense of confidence. I call it reverse anorexia. Instead of seeing myself as bigger, I see myself as slimmer. (This is in no way meant to offend or take away from the struggles of anyone with anorexia)

The only time my confidence struggled was when I managed to pile on 25kilos in 6 months. I know, it’s just a gift I have.

The combination of my business closing down and the feels that go with that, new medication and plain old laziness just saw the weight piling on.

I didn’t even realise until I hit the 10 kilo mark and my clothes were feeling a little snug. You would think this would have been the light bulb moment, but no I kept gaining.

I decided to swan around wearing only leggings and a long cardi to hide it from the world. Suckers they all had no idea…. I had fooled everyone….. ahem.

That was until I went to Bali and I couldn’t wear said leggings or cardi, it was on this trip that I realised just how big I was. Like so many others, I realised it through a photo.

Sitting on a lounger at Potato Head Beach Club, I had a photo taken that even now haunts me in my sleep.

Now I maintain that this is a bad angle (couldn’t possibly be me right?) sitting, side on. Ugh- Kill me now. The same goes for my ‘after’ photo, I think this is just a good angle, I don’t think im as slim as the picture makes me out to be.

But the truth is, there is 17 kilos difference between this photo and what I weight now.

17.

That’s a lot, I imagine 17 tubs of butter sitting on a table, that’s what I was carrying around with me.

I decided I needed to lose weight, my doctor also agreed. I wasn’t just carrying a few extra kilos, I was unhealthy.

I was also a heavy smoker, in case you are wondering, yes- my heart and lungs fucking hated me.

I knew I needed to lose weight and I think we all really know how it’s done. Healthy food, exercise, will power and consistency.

After consulting my doctor I was also able to come off of my medication, it removed that block which made things a lot easier.

Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows the personal struggle you are up against, not just physically but also mentally. I realised I needed to work on myself. In order for me to lose weight I needed to accept my body for how it was and learn to love it. And I did.

I’m not saying I loved it all day everyday but the majority of the time, we were besties.

I loved it by buying it clothes it liked, not clothes to cover it.

I loved it by looking in the mirror and taking photos of it (from good angles of course)

I loved it by telling it, you’re a damn fine piece of arse, I’d do you.

I loved my body but still had the intention of making it happier and healthier.

For the first time my exercise and eating plan started to work. I loved my body so I wanted to take care of it.

I also loved how climbing stairs were no longer an issue and when I looked down I could see my vagina again. (Too far?)

That vagina comment was a joke by the way, I needed to lighten things up a bit.

I still have a few kilos to go until I’m satisfied and then some, it’s taken me over a year to get this far so I know it’s a marathon not a sprint.

I’m in a wedding at the end of the year so I’m using that as my goal date, if I don’t get there I won’t be to disappointed but bitch please, I’ll get there.

My body can do all sorts of amazing things, including kick MS to the curb with no current remissions (touch wood).

Trust me, we got this.

Oh I suppose you are wanting to see the photo now? I really don’t want to show you. But I will.

I still cringe, I may have loved my body but I will never love this photo. Then again without it, who knows where id be.

Here’s me in Bali and here’s me yesterday morning before taking my dogs for a walk. I don’t think I need to tell you which one is which.

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See, I told you. Angles my friend – I maintain its all about the angles.

Regardless of the weight loss, I do feel a lot better about myself in the second photo. I am so much stronger and healthier both physically and mentally, something crucial for someone with Multiple Sclerosis…. Or anyone really.

 

 

***Please note that this is just my story, all words are just my own recollections and thoughts. Your weight is no one else’s business but your own…. unless you are like me and decide to plaster it all over the internet…… good thinking Caitlin***

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