I haven’t written about this in a while, partly due to the fact that I’m a busy little bee and partly because I felt like I had nothing of value to add.
Y’all know im a strange cat in many ways and my MS experience has been no different.
You see, I have not had a relapse since my initial diagnosis………. I’m going to say that again because it’s actually pretty fucking fantastic and should be shouted from the bloody roof tops (I’m a swear bear get used to it)…..
I HAVE NOT HAD A RELAPSE SINCE MY DIAGNOSIS!!!
In a way, not having any active symptoms makes me feel like a bit of a phony; how can I possibly complain and feel sorry for myself when I’ve been blessed with such a sweet ride?!
So I don’t, I don’t complain and I don’t feel sorry for myself- in fact you can ask anyone I know; I rarely bring it up….. If ever.
Honestly, Just the thought of someone feeling sorry for me makes me want to physically throw up.
My illness is just not part of my daily thought process…. And that my friends is entirely on purpose.
If I were to dwell on it and constantly be on high alert then I would drive myself bat shit crazy….. The unpredictable nature of this shit disease means that any slight change in my bodily function could send me into a tail spin of worrying and wondering.
That’s no way to live and it’s certainly not the way I want to live my life. In fact I flat out refuse.
I’ll play ball to a certain extent – Meaning I know my triggers and when Ive pushed things too far; I know when to stop and listen to my body and give it the love and rest it needs, regardless of what my obligations are.
But apart from that…. nada.
I don’t want to come across as arrogant or naive here but I really do think that’s part of the reason I have had such a smooth ride, and to me that in itself is something to write about.
For the longest time I’ve kept this kind of thing on the DL (That stands for ‘Down low’ Mum, I know you are reading this and wondering what DL means) because I don’t really feel like I have it- Of course I know I do but you get what I mean.
So instead I keep quiet thinking I have nothing of value to add, but tonight a thought occurred to me… in a way, nothing is just as valuable as something.
What if by chance a person who is newly diagnosed with MS came across my blog and read my story? What if hearing my story was a contributing factor in making them realise that this is not the death sentence they originally thought it was?
How fucking awesome would that be?
When I was a newbie I would have loved a story like mine. In fact I would have printed it out, stuck it on my wall and given everyone a copy for Christmas.
The bad stories always seem to speak the loudest and to a newly diagnosed person it is very easy to focus your mind entirely on the bad.
Trust me, I know.
I guess the feels are coming up at the moment because my biannual MRI and neuro appointment are fast approaching which always brings up a weird energy; I don’t want to worry but I also don’t want to be blindsided.
I know exactly what my future could bring and I am not naïve to the fact that things could change in a heartbeat.
These tests have a way of reminding me of that.
As scary as that thought is, in a way it is also reassuring (stay with me here, I promise I’m bringing it home)……. I’ve always said that the unpredictable nature of MS is going to work out in my favour.
You can’t predict which way this shit is going to turn out and neither can I.
Nothing might ever even come of it and THAT my friends, THAT is the gift that unpredictability can bring….
Maybe, just maybe, it will all work out ok.
That’s really all any of us can do, MS or not because life’s too short to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet.
The notion of faith and trust may seem a little too ‘simple’ but in all honesty there will be times in your life that that’s all you’ve got.
Faith and trust.
But just in case, and for the cool cats out there going for their tests and results, from me to you……
May the odds be ever in your favour.